Early 30’s, settle down, have a baby… piece of cake. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I feel in a completely different world in a completely different life, throw in a pandemic and who knows what we are anymore. Though I prefer the person I have become, it has been a journey that no one deserves to face. 

The groups I am part of social media are a constant reminder of what we went through with Max and so frequently I see another child that has gone to heaven. Just a few years ago I denied myself knowledge that this world existed, sure we all see those adverts of the kids ringing the bell BUT the reality is that their journey doesn’t stop there. I have even seen cases where the child has died a year later from the side effects of their treatment. 

Losing your child is not something that you can get over, I accept that for the rest of my life I will suffer nights crying into my pillow angry at what Max had to endure and heartbroken that I will never see him again. When you have a child you never expect to keep them in a drawer next to your bed – I don’t think I will ever spread Max’s ashes, I couldn’t just throw him away. In time we will get the perfect urn and he will settle nicely somewhere in our home. 

Having another baby after losing Max has very mixed emotions, Robyn has given us so much joy and I don’t actually believe that I would be able to succeed in everyday life without her here, however every situation is bitter sweet, I feel so happy yet heartbroken at the same time. I guess this is adulthood.
Max has given me a path now, my goals are different to what they once were. I know the importance of life and the significance of helping others and I hope that if you follow our story you will too. Life is short, life is hard but somehow we will find our way.

Suzie. x

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